On the Precipice of 40
John Mellencamp once sang, "Oh yeah, life goes on, Long after the thrill, Of living is gone."
Well, as I write this for you today, I am 12 weeks away (just counted this morning) from my 40th birthday and that's how I feel about life right now. I have made a list of the things I can no longer do without feeling any amount of guilt and they are as follows:
1. Eat fast food more often than 1x every 3 months.
2. Eat donuts, cake, or chocolate.
3. Have a bowl of ice cream (with chocolate sauce and nuts) for dessert each night.
4. Drink more than 3 beers in a night.
5. Eat ribs, brats, or prime rib on any other day except Independence Day.
6. Have a DQ Blizzard any size larger than Mini
7. Visit a pizza buffet restaurant for lunch.
8. Drink regular Coke or Dr. Pepper
9. Go out for a traditional American breakfast with pancakes/waffles, bacon, eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy.
You have probably noticed that pretty much all of these have to do with eating or with food in general and to be honest, I was surprised myself after I wrote them (these were part of a FB post I made this morning...). But in the past year of seeing so much success in my health & weight after a change in my eating habits, I have realized that much of my (previous) happiness was derived from the food I allowed myself to eat freely and without compunction. Now, Wife typically has a weary eye toward what is on my plate and is not shy about laying on a guilt trip after the fact.
Another reason for my melancholy feeling is yesterday I had my annual performance review. I am nearing the 3rd year in my position, but I still dread the annual performance review. One of the topics that came in the 90 minute meeting was my relationship to others in the workplace with whom I have either had or caused conflict in the past. I stated simply that I don't talk to them anymore unless it is a work related matter and this is due to an encounter back in March when they were talking about their vow to give up sugar for Lent. A week or two later I asked how it was going and the response I received was, "Oh it's going good. No problems yet. Knock on wood.". After that exchange, I knocked on a nearby table, after which, the individual stated, "Use your head instead", insinuating that my head is made of wood and that I'm stupid. I've not spoken non-work related word to this person since and I barely greet them in the morning or wish them a pleasant evening at the end of the working day. So far, I think this is working to my advantage.
The reason I share this story is it has impacted my reluctance to express my true self in public since then and I now find myself a more reserved and quiet person when out in public. The only time I feel I show my goofy side is privately, or behind closed doors. Naturally, this self-imposed stifling of myself has led me to feel mildly depressed and melancholic at certain times of the day, particularly in the early morning when I am laying bed with nothing but my thoughts running through my head and feelings of self-pity & self-doubt running parallel to those thoughts.
All for today...
Well, as I write this for you today, I am 12 weeks away (just counted this morning) from my 40th birthday and that's how I feel about life right now. I have made a list of the things I can no longer do without feeling any amount of guilt and they are as follows:
1. Eat fast food more often than 1x every 3 months.
2. Eat donuts, cake, or chocolate.
3. Have a bowl of ice cream (with chocolate sauce and nuts) for dessert each night.
4. Drink more than 3 beers in a night.
5. Eat ribs, brats, or prime rib on any other day except Independence Day.
6. Have a DQ Blizzard any size larger than Mini
7. Visit a pizza buffet restaurant for lunch.
8. Drink regular Coke or Dr. Pepper
9. Go out for a traditional American breakfast with pancakes/waffles, bacon, eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy.
You have probably noticed that pretty much all of these have to do with eating or with food in general and to be honest, I was surprised myself after I wrote them (these were part of a FB post I made this morning...). But in the past year of seeing so much success in my health & weight after a change in my eating habits, I have realized that much of my (previous) happiness was derived from the food I allowed myself to eat freely and without compunction. Now, Wife typically has a weary eye toward what is on my plate and is not shy about laying on a guilt trip after the fact.
Another reason for my melancholy feeling is yesterday I had my annual performance review. I am nearing the 3rd year in my position, but I still dread the annual performance review. One of the topics that came in the 90 minute meeting was my relationship to others in the workplace with whom I have either had or caused conflict in the past. I stated simply that I don't talk to them anymore unless it is a work related matter and this is due to an encounter back in March when they were talking about their vow to give up sugar for Lent. A week or two later I asked how it was going and the response I received was, "Oh it's going good. No problems yet. Knock on wood.". After that exchange, I knocked on a nearby table, after which, the individual stated, "Use your head instead", insinuating that my head is made of wood and that I'm stupid. I've not spoken non-work related word to this person since and I barely greet them in the morning or wish them a pleasant evening at the end of the working day. So far, I think this is working to my advantage.
The reason I share this story is it has impacted my reluctance to express my true self in public since then and I now find myself a more reserved and quiet person when out in public. The only time I feel I show my goofy side is privately, or behind closed doors. Naturally, this self-imposed stifling of myself has led me to feel mildly depressed and melancholic at certain times of the day, particularly in the early morning when I am laying bed with nothing but my thoughts running through my head and feelings of self-pity & self-doubt running parallel to those thoughts.
All for today...
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